
Hey, Mass Effect 3 is just a couple of weeks away. Who are you planning to bang?
No, I’m serious. Which one of the BioWare digital sex marionettes are you planning on shtupping right in the middle of a desperate battle to save the universe? It’s the most important decision you can make in the game, and fortunately BioWare has a piece of hot space tail for every fantasy and every taste on board the Normandy, the swinging-est ship in the galaxy. Even if your “thing” is blue-skinned lipstick lesbians, you’re covered in this sexy smorgasboard. There’s achievements and trophies riding on this decision, wink wink, so choose your sleazy pick-up lines from the dialogue trees wisely.
And if you’re going to be trying to work out the right path through the dialogues to get to the sleazy pick-up lines that win the heart(s) of anything with vaguely humanoid tits, then certainly you’re OK with a character making a come-on to you, right? Uh-oh- what if it’s a male character and you’re playing a male character? It’s that dreaded GAY AGENDA, they’ve come for your dicks! Silly BioWare, video games are for straights!
Sarcasm aside, it’s rather unfortunate that BioWare’s otherwise respectable character-driven RPGs truck in such juvenile nonsense and facile depictions of sex and relationships. I’m certainly no prude and I’m all for games including mature, adult depictions of sex and sexuality in any form- because that’s life. I’m glad that they’re inclusive and realistically include both gay and straight characters, but the sum of it is that their whole intimacy shtick on both sides of the equation are so poorly handled that it’s an embarrassment that so many conversations surrounding their games loop around to who screwed who. Call me old fashioned, but I’m playing these games to see robots and aliens- not to have some kind of silly pubescent fantasy of conquest and virility.
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