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And There’s No Game

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All of that and THQ didn’t send the damn game. What the hell am I supposed to do with this thing? I’m a 39 year old man…now packing an Ultramarine chainsword.

I have added our exceptionally well trained Chesapeake Bay Retriever Skipper — winner of the Hartford Fair in Showmanship and 2nd in Obedience 2010 and 2011 thank you very much — to again add scale to show you the absolute ridiculous size of this replica chainsword.

It smells of spray paint, so much so that I had to take it outside.

I always feel a bit dirty when companies send me stuff like this. I love 40K as many of you know and there is a certain goofy fun in getting something like this. I know it’s all promotional material and it’s not just media folk who score this kind of stuff but it still falls into the murky realm of “hey media guys, here’s some cool free stuff.” I have a closet full of Final Fantasy wine glasses, Plants vs Zombies ceramic statues, Call of Duty posters, I even have this gorgeous candle holder from Sony circa 2001 promoting some Japanese PS2 game I don’t remember the name of. This has been going on for a long time.

I admit. This one is crazy. Lifting this with one hand isn’t easy. Space Marines are strong, apparently.

Still…I would have preferred the game.

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Bill Abner

Bill has been writing about games for the past 16 years for such outlets as Computer Games Magazine, GameSpy, The Escapist, GameShark, and Crispy Gamer. He will continue to do so until his wife tells him to get a real job.

26 thoughts to “And There’s No Game”

  1. Wow, that is one hell of a chainsword. I mean geez that thing is huge.

    I wonder when those things are going to start hitting ebay…

  2. I don’t even think it’s constructed properly… Either the hand guard is on the wrong side or the chainsaw part of the sword is…

  3. The chainsword is neat looking, but I wouldn’t be caught dead with it in my home. What the hell is it made of that makes it so heavy?

    Non-sequitur: if you’re ever looking to get rid of some of that crap fine gaming swag, I suggest giving it to a local convention. I’m sure there are plenty of people that attend them that would find that sort of thing awesome.

  4. Eh, I’d have been more impressed with Lightning Claws. Or if Skipper were in a Hormagaunt costume.

    All the review-greasing swag I’ve ever gotten out of this games writing gig were a pack of Killzone 3 army men and an Epic Mickey pen. I don’t rate a defective chainsword yet, I guess.

  5. What?!

    How much do you want for the damn thing, then? I haven’t been this pumped for a game since ME2, and this is the first time my multiplayer itch has acted up this much since MechWarrior 4.

  6. haha not selling it, sorry.

    If anything I’d donate it. Or keep it to scare teenage boys in about 4 years.

  7. Bill, it’s a cane you’re supposed to shake at interloping youngsters what with their bebop and all.

    This is really more for use against greenskins, what with their waaaaggggh and all.

  8. I mean, hey, if you were to leave those Plants v. Zombies figures lying on the ground near me, and, hey, I happened to notice they were lying there, I could give them a home.

    You know, if that happened.

  9. What about those Final Fantasy wine glasses? If you’re into dating chubby anime girls, break those out and it’s a one-way ticket to second base.

  10. Congrats Bill on receiving the worlds only backhand chainsword!

    Seeing that makes me remembering build A Chiansword of of MDF when I was 17
    I was young & impressionable, so going to one of GamesWorkshop’s GamesDays dressed as a Commissar seemed like a good idea at the time.

    A couple of hours later I learned going round a convention centre wearing winter weather gear, & carrying a really heavy & spiky block of wood maybe, just maybe, wasn’t the brightest of choices.

    That said I did get all the staff to sign it for me

  11. … is the GoW3 Retro Lancer.

    Strap a repro of Frostmourne to your back, and now you’re officially ready for the Zombie Apocalypse.

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