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B3 2012 Preview Trailer

Right now, there’s a tubby nerd making sure he’s got an extra asthma inhaler ready for when MORE news about Assassin’s Creed 3 this week. A dudebro is swiveling his Oakleys to the back of his bald head, applying eyedrops that will keep his eyes moistened (read: disguise his tears) while he watches trailers of Black Ops II, Halo 4 and the new Gears of War game. Some girl that smells of shampoo and mildewy teddy bears is stroking her inadvisable Yoshi tattoo, hoping and praying that Nintendo doesn’t bungle their Wii U presentation. That’s right, it’s E3 week.

And since I’m not there to join the vagabond NHS crew, lead by the destitute , drug-addled Bill Abner, that also means it’s B3 week! I won’t be feasting on lemon bars, gawking at desperate “models”, or in a back room signing an an agreement to give every EA game an 90 or better rating in exchange for a Lamborghini Countach. I won’t get to hob nob with celebrities like Tom Chick and Snoop Dogg, nor will I get to dine on the epicurean delights of California Pizza Kitchen.

Like last year, however, B3 will be far more awesome than E3 has ever been. To prove it- and in the spirit of bullshit marketing- here is a one hour and twenty six minute trailer for B3. Although it shows no actual gameplay footage, it captures all of the majesty, pageantry, and sheer amazingness that B3 offers. It should tide you over until the torrent of teasers and empty advertising crap starts to wash over us all. Come for the vikings, stay for the octopus. Really, you’ve got to see the octopus. E3 doesn’t have an octopus, does it? Octopus revealed and confirmed at B3!

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Michael Barnes

Games writer Michael Barnes is a co-founder of Nohighscores.com as well as FortressAT.com. His trolling has been published on the Web and in print in at least two languages and in three countries. His special ability is to cheese off nerds using the power of the Internet and his deep, dark secret is that he's actually terrible at games. Before you ask, no, the avatar is not him. It's Mark E. Smith of The Fall.

17 thoughts to “B3 2012 Preview Trailer”

    1. That’s not true, Brandon and I could never be friends unless there is some kind of Romeo and Juliet like situation. I live inside I-285, and Brandon lives outside I-285. In Atlanta, that makes me “ITP” (in the perimeter) and him “OTP” (out of the perimeter). Everyone knows that OTP people are barbaric, crude, and uncivilized- sort of like Wildlings. OTP are terrified of venturing ITP, and likewise ITP people are scared of going anywhere OTP. I for one dread the thought of being stranded OTP and having to eat at an Applebee’s or Chili’s.

      I’ve always assumed that Brandon was a slavering, loin-cloth wearing troglodyte that eats Honeybaked Hams and plays licensed video games.

      He probably thinks I’m a white-belt wearing hipster that doesn’t understand the plight of the common man.

      Will we ever see eye to eye?

      1. “Will we ever see eye to eye?”

        When you do, will it be because you’ve found forbidden love?

  1. Worst part is that this is still more relevant to gaming than the entirety of Microsoft’s press conference.

    1. Ah, but the new “Smartglass” thing is applicable here. You can watch this trailer SIMULTANEOUSLY on a mobile device AND on your PC or Mac. That’s pretty awesome.

      And the REALLY cool thing is that Tarkan versus the Vikings is BETTTER WITHOUT Kinect!

    1. You’re in luck. I will be selling the “B3 Readiness Pack” DLC that will provide you with all of the necessary gear to get your body ready for the greatest event in all of gaming. In order to buy it, you will need to preorder and then subscribe to a PREMIUM service, then I’ll just need your credit card number and I can get you hooked up with that.

  2. B3!!! Just got my tickets, came with a rub-on tattoo of an octopus wearing a viking helmet! My Kinect spotted it on my bare chest and promptly turned itself off with a heartfelt apology.

    Best. Day. Ever.

  3. By the way… E3 stands for “Electronic Entertainment Expo”. What does B3 stand for? “Barnes’ Boardgames Bonanza”?

      1. Also, “Badasssssssssss Blowout” reminds me of Minecraft. Or creepers, to be more specific.

      2. Actually it sounds like you blew out your asshole. Are those veggy’s treating you right Barnes

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