Skip to main content

Don’t Shoot The Food B3 2012 Edition

While Brandon is off to Los Angeles to have game companies shower his stomach with gold plated shrimp cocktails, oysters on the half shell stuffed with $20 bills, and roasted peacock sauteed with diamonds in attempt to buy his review scores, I thought I would commandeer this week’s Don’t Shoot the Food with a report on tonight’s dinner. That’s something we can ALL appreciate, not just the feted “games journalists” out there at the Teddy Bears’ Picnic. We may not all be able to sit through hours of corporate hoo-hah bullshit delivered by guys with headset mics, but we can all eat some damn dinner.

Tonight at Chez Barnes, a classic. Sort of. And it ties into Dragon’s Dogma. It’s Griffin Parmigiana!

Now, I am part Italian and this DStF is going to contain something controversial that may irk our Italian readership who quite rightly believe that using sauce from a jar should be punished by burning at the stake followed by hanging and then a around in the dunking chair. I agree with that severity if we’re talking about most of the mass-market junk sauces out there. Pregoo, Ratgut, Rufus McLanahan’s Tomater Sauce for S’getti, miscellaneous store brands, and so forth actually are forged by Lucifer himself and will probably kill you if you eat them and you have Italian genes.

The right and proper thing to do is to make sauce. I know this. Sautee a little garlic, crush up some San Marzanos (or Heirlooms if you’re a well-heeled $100k a year game developer), toss in some fresh basil. It’s not hard. But I’m lazy and have two small children, so we go the jar route. There are actually some pretty decent jar sauces available these days, but you’ve got to be willing to pay for them. Rao’s, Bobby D’s, Antica Rusta (a local Atlanta brand)…even Batali’s sauces are good. But spending $8-$10 for a good sauce pays out in spades versus eating that pasty, sugar sweetened garbage that exists under the top shelf.

READ ALSO:  Cracked LCD: Abaddon in Review

With a good sauce in hand (I’m using Batali’s marinara tonight, it was on sale), I’ve also got some nice organic whole wheat penne. I’ve been buying the Whole Foods brand because it’s milled a little finer and less gritty than some of the other whole wheat pastas, and some of the overwhelming nutty taste is toned down. But you still get that whole grain thing.

Now, for the Griffin meat. We’re a meatless household so we wouldn’t eat a Griffin anyway. So I’m just going to use Boca fake chicken patties in lieu of the fanciful beast’s probably gamey flesh. I’ll top those with a little of that Batali and a slice of fresh sliced smoked provolone. Good stuff. Then that’ll go on top of the penne with a side of sauteed broccoli rabe. Some fresh Reggiano will get thrown on that, and my son (he’s two) will demand the remainder of the cheese, half of which he will eat and the other half will wind up on the ground, probably about $2 worth.

The really sneaky thing is that I’m not telling my family that we’re dining on mythological creatures tonight. B3 day one will conclude with me having a Crispin Brut and playing Dragon’s Dogma. See you tomorrow from the show floor of my basement!

Michael Barnes

Games writer Michael Barnes is a co-founder of as well as His trolling has been published on the Web and in print in at least two languages and in three countries. His special ability is to cheese off nerds using the power of the Internet and his deep, dark secret is that he's actually terrible at games. Before you ask, no, the avatar is not him. It's Mark E. Smith of The Fall.

12 thoughts to “Don’t Shoot The Food B3 2012 Edition”

  1. Does it taste like chicken? My wife and I are always talking about trying to slowly introduce vegetarian meals into our diet and the closest we get is the vegetarian bowl from chipotle. This looks like a simple meal to throw and if it doesn’t taste like chicken that’s a huge selling point for this guy.

    1. To be honest, I’ve not tasted real chicken in 20 years so I’m not really sure how close it is…it _seems_ like it tastes sort of how I remember fried chicken tasting…

      If you’re looking into meat substitutes, the good news is that they’re WAY WAY WAY better than they were when I first stopped eating meat. Back in what I liked to call the “Wham Age”…that’s w-ham….yeesh.

      I highly recommend you try the Gardein products…particularly their beefless tips. They taste REALLY steak-y and you can do a bunch of cool stuff with them…philly cheese steak, sautee them with mushrooms and a gravy over rice, fajitas, plan with some good steak sauce. Their chicken isn’t my favorite though- I prefer Quorn, but it’s made with a mushroom-based mycoprotein…ok, ok, it’s made from fungus. But it’s REALLY close to chicken in texture. I think.

      Going meatless is much easier now than it used to be…just make sure you’re getting ample protein from other sources and supplement with B-vitamins.

  2. I am Italian, and only ate my Mom’s sauce for years.

    However, I discovered Rao’s – the famous Italian restaurant in NYC, and their sauces are amazing. Don’t know if you can find it by you.

    1. Well, Mom’s sauce is the best, isn’t it?

      I actually usually get Rao’s, I like all of their sauces that I’ve had- especially their vodka sauce. Their sauces are really simple with just a couple of ingredients, nothing weird or untoward in them, and a reasonable approximation of a good homemade sauce. Batali was on sale this week though, so he won out. His stuff isn’t quite as good as Rao’s, but yeah, I’d say Rao’s is the best sauce in a jar you can buy. At least that I’ve had.

      Bobby D’s is really good too, they do an arribiata that’s very well done.

  3. Mr. Barnes! The public would like to know if you’re going to announce the announcement for the trailer for the teaser for B3 2013!

        1. Sorry, you must be a Barnes’ Badasssssss Blowout Premium Passssssss holder to see the screenshots and to get the exclusive “fork” DLC content.

          1. Dammit, I knew I should have sprung for the extra s’s. I’ll make up for it on the sequel to the trilogy. There better be a cowboy boot in that unboxing, dammit.

  4. I just gotta say, Thank you for this Barnes. I’ve started looking more forward to B3 coverage every year than the E3 stuff ‘n junk. It’s more visceral! Especially the floor art food, as a father of a two year old I can relate. But when the little tyke looks you in the eyes and recites the ABC’s in a metal voice it makes it all worth it! At least in my experience…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *