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B3 at E3 2012- Day 1: Nintendo

It’s time to update NHS’ B3 at E3 2012 coverage, what with Nintendo’s stunning press conference now over and the NHS crew probably laid up in their hotel room, still reeling from a night of eating exotic, rich folks food like “six cheese pizza” at CPK and wine coolers by the pool with Snoop Dogg and Tom Chick. Frankly, I’m ashamed that my NHS colleagues have not flooded the internet with E3 coverage. We should have posts every five minutes about stuff like Halo stickers in the bathroom and whatnot. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD TODAY, and NHS has dropped the ball.

Thank goodness for the power and journalistic might of B3. Now, about that Nintendo press conference…

After being the laughing stock of the last several E3 shows, Nintendo came fully prepared this time, with guns blazing. And by fully prepared, I mean with a zombie game and by guns blazing I mean a zombie shooter. It’s called Zombu: Electric Boogaloo or something like that. They also came prepared by showing some of last year’s top games like Arkham Asylum and Mass Effect 3: Intergalatic Booty Call working on their new Wii U hardware. Everyone seemed pretty excited to play old games while holding an iPhone, using Nintendo’s new Smart Glass technology. Or to just play a Nintendo game using the new “Regular Controller”.

But to kick things off, they showed a still image of Shigeru Miyamoto’s face for ten minutes on the big screens while the Super Mario Bros. theme played. Everyone smiled and nodded affirmatively, remembering the halcyon days of youth. A bunch of midgets dressed like Mario characters rode on stage on minibikes. Then, the man himself took the stage and apologized humbly and deeply in a very Japanese way for Wii Music. Then he said “Pikmin 3” and a bunch of Nintendo nerds got excited, thinking it might be a sequel to cult Wii hit Little King’s Story.

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Then, just like on Iron Chef, the new Wii U console rose from the stage amidst smoke and a light show. The speakers emitted the “you found a treasure” fanfare that’s been used in every Zelda game since 1985, and again everyone smiled and nodded affirmatively in the warm glow of nostalgia. The new console will come in 35 different colors including “black” and “white” and can support up to TWO controllers at once without overheating and blowing up. Its MSRP was not announced, but fair market value seems to be about a hundred bucks.

Bulldog-faced weirdo Reggie Fils-Aime took to the stage and announced- to everyone’s surprise- that the Wii U will play the Mario game tapes as well as minigame compliations. It seems that Nintendo is banking on everyone’s nostalgia for the “Spirit of ‘06” and the magic we all felt about the Wii launch before we played it. But the Wii U will also feature internet connectivity and stuff like Netflix, which I don’t think the Wii ever really had.

Bob Hoskins, who portrayed Mario in the Super Mario Bros. movie as well as hardened gangster Harry Shand in “The Long Good Friday” was presented and talked about Nintendoworld Land, a new theme park or something opening sometime soon outside of Wasau, Wisconsin. Seedy carnies- their toothless visages hidden by giant foam heads of beloved Nintendo characters- will wave and uncomfortably hug your children while you dine on mushrooms and raccoon tails. The park will include a shrine to Miyamoto-san made of marshmallows and pixie dust as well as a special “edutainment” exhibit that will explain to children and adult gamers alike the evils of so-called “next generation” game-playing hardware.

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There was something called MiiVerse, but I think it was just an announcement that they’re going to force you to look at your ghastly MiiParade every time you turn the console on. I hope that somewhere my Miis of David Bowie, James Brown, Glenn Danzig, and Tom G. Warrior were saved.

Of course, Wii Fit U was a big hit among attendees, their bellies fat with lemon bars and foie gras eaten off of the nude bodies of strippers, provided by Electronic Arts. The new edition will feature exciting minigames like “walking” and “standing”. With the new Wii U controller, players will also be able to hold it while exercising. The 3DS was also represented. Everyone squinted and tried to move to see the giant 3D images displayed of Mario and Luigi laughing in a giant pile of money. Then Mario pops out of the screen and says “Wesa told you so! Peepala poopala!”

I have to say that in all I was really disappointed. This year, Nintendo did not bring any kind of novelty, “gotcha” joke things like the Wii Vitality sensor.

That’s pretty much all I could see from flipping through a couple of Web sites five minutes before I wrote this. But hey, ANY coverage is better than none, right?

Michael Barnes

Games writer Michael Barnes is a co-founder of Nohighscores.com as well as FortressAT.com. His trolling has been published on the Web and in print in at least two languages and in three countries. His special ability is to cheese off nerds using the power of the Internet and his deep, dark secret is that he's actually terrible at games. Before you ask, no, the avatar is not him. It's Mark E. Smith of The Fall.

12 thoughts to “B3 at E3 2012- Day 1: Nintendo”

  1. I am too demoralized that the NHS crew didn’t even report on the game of show forever. NBA: Beats that Happen to be Baller: The Game. Wii U Rok U might have a fancy iPhone controller but this game uses a basketball shaped hole in your TV as a controller. That’s so baller it redefines the definition of baller.

    1. That is pretty baller indeed. You would have thought that Bill “Mr. Sports Games” Abner or Todd “Mr. Sports Games Jr.” Brakke would have been all over that. Shameful.

  2. Nice job. I actually have no idea what the Nintendo presentation actually was. But I am going to guess it was nowhere near as well thought out as your recap.

    After watching some of Microsoft and Sony last night I don’t think I can ever watch another E3 “press conference.” What I don’t understand is given all of the coverage these things get, why do companies put people on stage who have zero presentation skills and timing. This is the one time all year their products get covered by the mainstream press and it’s amateur hour. I’ve seen Sony reps in Best Buy with better charisma and audience rapport than Jack Trenton.

    1. It’s Transom. Not Trenton.

      I think this was the first year that I really have not given two shits about what happens at these things. You would think that these clowns would at least do something awesome with all the nerds in the world watching them.

  3. The answer to bad video game ‘journalism’ is not snark, sarcasm and negativity. That is the much decried hipster’s easy way out. I thought NHS wanted to be better than that?

    1. Yes, but it’s really hard otherwise to SHOW that we are better than that. How is anyone going to KNOW?

    2. Oh please, lighten up Brian. If we can’t lampoon and laugh at a week-long corporate advertising event then we’re in bad shape.

    3. For intelligent, insightful analysis of new/ innovative/ otherwise interesting things at E3 this year we have Bill Abner.

      For a piss take view lampooning the absurdity of this corporate circle jerk, while being both more interesting and innovative than the actual E3 we have Michael Barnes, channeling his inner Brandon. I seriously thought it was Brandon when I first read the article, until I saw your picture.

      Anyhow good stuff.

  4. Not gonna lighten up. you have set the standards for this site, now I want you to live up to them. You don’t get to be just like any other site with pointless throw away humor whenever you feel like it and still pretend you are better than them. You gotta live the standards you set.

    Tom Chick’s E3 report is a great example of how to ignore the industry hype in a substantive and positive way. We can’t all be Tom Chick, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.

    1. Sorry, I’d much rather be Michael Barnes than Tom Chick.

      There is no better opportunity for “throwaway humor” than during a week when this industry- and the journalists involved- take themselves way too seriously.

  5. The Wii actually has Netflix. I know this because when I booted up my system this week for the first time in about a year (just got Xenoblade, which seems good) I saw the Netflix icon and almost shouted aloud in shock.

    Also, it might be a bad sign for Nintendo and/or the industry as a whole that I didn’t realize this was fake until the Bob Hoskins reference. Everything else sounded at least somewhat reasonable, given past events.

    I do still hope that the Vitality sensor gets released – if only because it will be the perfect end to the Wii.

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